Restart

Don’t you just sometimes wish that you have a restart button in your purse and just push it and do over everything again? I do.

I would really wish for that right now.  I want to restart year 2017 and do everything better so then I would not be in my situation right now.

My year 2018 started off a little bit stress-y and now everything has become a mess, a total disaster. And today I am feeling the after effects. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m feeling tired, lazy rather. I’m starting to question my life situation, like where have I ever gone wrong? Why am I the only one? Why do I feel like a disappointment? Why can’t I get it? Why can’t I have it? I mean deep inside I know I could, but why coudn’t I? Are my efforts not enough? Or i’m just really the unluckiest person in the world?

You know that feeling when you thought you’re moving one step forward but actually you’re moving two steps backwards? And people are just waiting and staring at you there making fool of yourself. That’s me right there, the fool. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m a failure. I’m stressed out of my life. I’m losing focus. I have so much in my plate right now that I’m starting to feel numb inside, like mentally. It’s like I don’t feel or don’t want to feel anything around me anymore. I don’t know. I’m just mentally tired of everything. I just want to runaway, far away from everybody and everything.

*sigh* what the hell is this what they call a midlife crisis or what? But i’m still 24 (soon) though!! 😦

To the man up there, why? I know you won’t answer me, and that I have to rely on myself on this one, so I decided that I’m going to try— I will try to fix myself. Right now at this moment as I am writing this I actually feel a little better (well writing has always been my own psychiatrist, it always makes me feel free) but yeah, I will try to fix me…. I will.